“I never opened myself this way; Life is ours, we live it our way; All these words I don’t just say, And nothing else matters” ~ Metallica
#8 song on that cd is titled “Nothing Else Matters”. I haven’t listened to that song in it’s entirety since April 2, 1999. Every time I hear the first few notes start playing on the radio, I change the station. I have unchecked the song in iTunes so it won’t even sync to my iPod. I listened to the song tonight. I didn’t cry; it just made me unbelievably sad. Other than my stomach turning over and over, I made it through it. It’s a shame because I really think it’s a beautiful song.
I read a blog recently that had a speech by Karl Paulnack that was given to rising freshmen at Boston Conservatory. He said, “Music is one of the ways we make sense of our lives, one of the ways in which we express feelings when we have no words, a way for us to understand things with our hearts when we can’t with our minds. Music can slip beneath our conscious reality to get at what’s really going on inside us the way a good therapist does. Music allows us to move around those big invisible pieces of ourselves and rearrange our insides so that we can express what we feel even when we can’t talk about it.”
When I’ve said before that I love music, those are the reasons why. That is why I have a tattoo of music on me – because music means that much to me. I just couldn’t put into words what I meant and that guy expressed it perfectly. This explains to me why I can just start crying when I hear certain songs, especially the one above. I think the lyrics are ironic; I don’t think I’ve ever even really looked at the lyrics until now – they just fit the circumstance.
Today my therapist told me to write something about “that day” every night, in hopes that it will “desensitize” me. We’ll see how that works. I’m not going to post everything I write and this is as much as I’m going to write about it tonight. My brain is too exhausted for me to dig much deeper into it right now.