Ashley, a work in progress

Cancer never wins

ashley — Mon, 13 May 2013 03:47:50 +0000

You know that saying that people say, “he/she lost their battle with cancer”? Well, that saying really gets on my nerves. I used to not think twice about it but I recently read somewhere (I think in a blog…I haven’t been able to find it since) where someone was writing about how they didn’t like that wording either. It doesn’t help that it seems like all I hear about these days are people being diagnosed with cancer, especially family members…and it really sucks. I never thought I could hate a word as much as I do the word “Cancer”. It makes me cringe and I just fill with anger over how cancer affects a person, their life, their body, and their family. Cancer is like a bully, picking fights with people no matter what their age is and no matter who they are.

One of my great aunts just “lost her battle with cancer”. No, she didn’t lose her battle with cancer. The cancer didn’t “win”, it lost. It died and she is free now from pain and any suffering that she had from it. That saying makes it sound like the person did something wrong, which caused them to “lose the battle”, but that’s just not the case. Maybe that’s just the way I try to rationalize it to help myself understand things like this. Ever since my nephew was diagnosed with cancer, anything cancer-related really gets to me because I take it so personally now.

While I’m on the awful subject of cancer, May is Brain Cancer Awareness Month. Please pray for my sweet little nephew, who is fighting brain cancer, and is the #1 reason why I loathe cancer so much. Cancer picked the wrong little boy to fight with!

Filed under: Ashley Tagged: aunt, battles, Brain Cancer Awareness Month, cancer, colon cancer, death, family, hate, nephew

Scoliosis Post #9

ashley — Tue, 07 May 2013 02:45:13 +0000

Just figured I would update those who are following Mackenzie’s progress…and so I could keep track, too! May 1st Mackenzie had an appointment with Hanger Prosthetics to make sure that they were pleased with how her new brace was doing. Mr. Jeff (we’re on a first name basis with the guy) said that he is pleased as long as the curve stays below 10° when she is in the brace. He said that his only concern was where part of the curve is higher up her back and the brace can’t help it up there. They’ll just have to keep an eye on it. Here she is modeling her plain brace (we have to wait another 2 weeks to get the one with the design she picked out):

Mackenzie wearing her brace

Mackenzie’s x-ray appointment (1)

The brace is actually working! (2)

Another update on Mackenzie (3)

Photo of the Day: #55 (4)

Photo of the Day: #58 (5)

Mackenzie’s 1-year ortho checkup (6)

Mackenzie’s 18-month ortho checkup (7)

Mackenzie’s ortho check-up with new brace (8)

Filed under: Ashley, Kids, Mackenzie, Scoliosis Tagged: 8 degree curve, curve, Hanger Prosthetics & Orthotics, Providence brace, scoliosis

Mackenzie’s ortho check-up with new brace (Scoliosis Post #8)

ashley — Fri, 26 Apr 2013 02:35:29 +0000

Back in February when Mackenzie had her last check-up, we had a follow-up appointment with the company that made her brace, Hanger Prosthetics & Orthotics, like we always do. Mackenzie had been complaining about her brace and it was getting really hard to get her to wear it and keep it on all night. I knew she was probably starting to outgrow it and that’s exactly what Hanger said. So, they measured her to get fitted for a new brace and we waited. We had an appointment with them to pick up her new brace and when we went to pick it up, they didn’t put the design on it that she picked out…it was supposed to have American flags all over it but it was just plain white…but we picked it up anyway and made an appointment with the ortho doctor for x-rays in the brace to make sure the new brace was working correctly. That’s what we had done today. The doctor seemed pleased with how the new brace was doing, even though her curve measured 8° this time in the brace. The last time she had an x-ray in the brace it was all the way down to 2°. Next week we go to pick up her “decorated” brace and then we’ll go back in another 6 months. At least she has gained some weight, she is now finally 70 pounds! She also measured 4’11″

In-brace x-ray 4/25/13

Mackenzie’s x-ray appointment (1)

The brace is actually working! (2)

Another update on Mackenzie (3)

Photo of the Day: #55 (4)

Photo of the Day: #58 (5)

Mackenzie’s 1-year ortho checkup (6)

Mackenzie’s 18-month ortho checkup (7)

Filed under: Ashley, Kids, Mackenzie, Scoliosis Tagged: 8 degree curve, kids, Providence brace, scoliosis, X-ray

Pennsylvania Trip #2

ashley — Tue, 02 Apr 2013 04:19:43 +0000

So, it’s Spring Break this week and the kids are out of school. I had originally planned to go to the beach with them all week but then changed my plans. I’ve always wanted to go back up to Pennsylvania around April 2nd because that’s the anniversary of the day that Jeny died, so I took advantage of the kids being out of school at the beach and Michael and I took a road trip to Pennsylvania on Sunday. I had been looking at the weather forecast for 2 weeks before we left and there was snow almost everyday. I got excited because the forecast for Sunday was looking like it was going to be sunny and clear. But, like most of the time, the forecast was wrong. We left at 6:30am and it was raining. It rained all the way up the east coast and when we got to Pennsylvania around 4:00pm and it was still raining. This is what our whole drive looked like:

We finally get settled in our hotel and then go out to get something to eat. Since we don’t have to worry about any kids, I wanted to go get some beer or something. We go to Wal-Mart and look up and down all the drink and food aisles and don’t see any beer. I look in the coolers for cold beer and don’t see anything. We ask an employee and they said that they don’t sell alcohol…wtf? I Google it and find out that Pennsylvania is an “alcohol beverage control state” and has certain laws regarding the sale of alcohol. Gas stations don’t sell it either and it was also Easter Sunday, so the places that would have sold it were closed. We finally found a bar that was open and was able to buy some there. I’ll know next time to just bring some with me

Today we ate breakfast and then visited the cemetery. The last time I was up here we ate at a restaurant called Luigi’s and it was awesome. I wanted to go there last night but they were closed because of Easter. So, after visiting the cemetery, we went to eat lunch there. As we were sitting in the restaurant waiting on our food, I heard a song playing in the background over the speakers. It wasn’t very loud and it was the instrumental version, but I recognized the notes immediately. My heart dropped and I asked Michael if he could hear the song. He couldn’t even hear the song playing at first but after telling him what song it was (Nothing Else Matters by Metallica), he recognized it. It was the song playing in my car right before I witnessed Jeny’s motorcycle accident. I’ve spent 14 years avoiding and refusing to listen to that song, and here I was sitting in a restaurant in her hometown and I was forced to listen to it. I couldn’t stop the tears because it was just so ironic. Michael said that she was watching out for me and I believe it.

I met with her sisters again tonight and it was just so good to see them again. They told me stories about their family and we all just talked for a few hours. I hated leaving them and I hate leaving here. When I’m up here and with her family it feels like part of me is healed. Now there’s that heavy feeling in my stomach because I know I have to leave again soon. 14 years ago I was changed and a part of me died when Jeny died. Every time I come back up here and talk with her family, it’s like I get a little bit of “me” back. It just sucks that it’s a 10 hour drive. On another note, I am looking forward to seeing 60-70 degree weather again

Earthquake (in more ways than one)…8/23/11

Off to Pennsylvania…(hopefully sometime in the near future)…9/12/11

2 Days Until Pennsylvania…10/13/11

We Made It…10/17/11

Going Home…10/18/11

Photo of the Day: #33 “Nothing Else Matters”…2/2/12

Photo of the Day: #72 “Jeny”…3/12/12

Photo of the Day: #93 “April 2″…4/2/12

Signs…3/11/13

Filed under: Ashley, Therapy Posts Tagged: cemetery, closure, healing, Pennsylvania, post-traumatic stress disorder, PTSD, thankful

Signs

ashley — Tue, 12 Mar 2013 03:23:38 +0000

Jeny,

Happy Birthday…well in a less than an hour it will be your birthday. You are always on my mind more than usual this time of year. It doesn’t make sense but I wanted to write a post/letter to you even though I know you can’t “see” it. Just clicking on the “Publish” button is like sending mail…I just like to imagine that you can read it. Then I decided that I shouldn’t write anything because I have no clue what to say, or exactly how to say what’s in my mind.

So, I decided to look through the WordPress blog of daily post ideas and clicked on one from last week that I never got a chance to read. The post was about the “blogging mantras” of the writer – which were 1) Nothing is permanent, 2) Don’t panic, and 3) This is supposed to be fun. Right as I was reading the section for “Don’t Panic” (which ironically is something I really need to remember at this time in my life), I noticed a picture that the blogger inserted into the post. This was the picture:
Okay, Jeny, I hear you loud and clear! I just had to stop for a second and thought this couldn’t be a real sign but after doing some research it seems like there are actually road signs like this in Pennsylvania. And when I saw that the sign was pointing to Dubois, PA, which is where you are, it just gave me chills. Out of all the posts I decided to click on and the one I decide to read has an arrow pointing to “you”…I was just shocked. But I love these kinds of “signs”, literally! Keep them coming! I knew then that I should just go ahead and write this post.

I’ll be visiting you in a few weeks…and please keep watching over my precious nephew, as I know you already have been.

Filed under: Ashley, Daily Prompt, The Daily Post, Therapy Posts Tagged: birthday, don't panic, Dubois, My Blogging Mantras, PA, road signs, signs, The Daily Post, The Daily Prompt

Weekly Photo Challenge: Kiss

ashley — Sat, 16 Feb 2013 03:47:05 +0000

I had just made some guacamole and Cayden wanted to give me a kiss with it all over her mouth

Filed under: Ashley, Cayden, Kids, The Daily Post, Weekly Photo Challenge Tagged: guacamole, kiss, weekly photo challenge

Mackenzie’s 18-month ortho check-up (Scoliosis Post #7)

ashley — Sat, 16 Feb 2013 03:17:52 +0000

Yesterday we had Mackenzie’s checkup for her scoliosis. From what I have seen of her back combined with her being more slack with wearing her brace, I was sure that the curve had gotten worse. But I was surprised once again to hear that it had improved a little. The doctor said it was 46 degrees even though the sheet says 44 degrees so I’m not sure which is really correct. At this checkup she weighed 68 pounds (same as 6 months ago) and was 4’10″ (which is strangely 1/2″ shorter than the last visit…don’t know what happened there). The doctor said that the brace was doing what it was supposed to and keeping the curve right where it has been. He said that if it keeps improving that we might can avoid surgery, but we’ll just have to wait and see. I told him that I thought Mackenzie was outgrowing her brace because she is complaining about it hurting and it keeps irritating her back. He said that they usually outgrow it when they have grown 3 inches and have gained 10 pounds, which she is nowhere near either of those. We have an appointment with Hanger (who made her brace) next week so we’ll just ask them about it then. The whole visit lasted about 10 minutes and then we were out of there. Will update in another 6 months!

Mackenzie’s x-ray appointment (1)

The brace is actually working! (2)

Another update on Mackenzie (3)

Photo of the Day: #55 (4)

Photo of the Day: #58 (5)

Mackenzie’s 1-year ortho checkup (6)

Mackenzie’s ortho check-up with new brace (Scoliosis Post #8)

Filed under: Ashley, Kids, Mackenzie, Scoliosis Tagged: 46 degree curve, kids, Providence brace, scoliosis, surgery

Harlan The Hero

ashley — Tue, 12 Feb 2013 03:42:39 +0000

Today I went to see my nephew, Harlan, in the hospital. He was diagnosed with a brain tumor just last week and will have it removed on Wednesday. He is only 6 1/2 weeks older than Cayden, my youngest. My sister-in-law and I got pregnant around the same time, went through all the pregnancy symptoms together, talked about baby stuff and compared stories, gave advice to each other, and finally had our beautiful babies around the same time. It was awesome being pregnant with your sister-in-law, knowing that our kids would grow up as cousins so closely together.

Shortly after Mackenzie was born she was hospitalized for pneumonia and shortly after Cayden was born she was hospitalized for bacterial meningitis. The feelings of helplessness, worry, fright, and the unknown consumed me for weeks and months after. It is the absolute worst feeling in the world when your children are sick and you can’t do anything to help them. Especially when they are given a very scary diagnosis and you just don’t know what will happen from one day to the next. Your heart sinks to your stomach and it just stays there. Your body and mind just go into a mode of survival; I guess just to cope through each hour and day at a time because you just can’t think of tomorrow. You just have to take what comes at you a minute at a time.

All those feelings came rushing back to me a hundred times over when I walked into that hospital today. Even though you know he is sick, he was talking and eating and was still Harlan. It was like I just wanted time to freeze and stand still because the unknown is so scary. We had Cayden with us because she had a checkup downtown today and since they took Harlan on a wagon ride down the halls, Harlan got to see Cayden. His sweet little voice kept calling her name and he kept wanting to see her if she got out of eyesight from him. It was just adorable and still tugs at my heart thinking about it.

At times like these I just have to write out my feelings because there is no way I can speak them without crying. Jacki and Jonathan, you are two strong, wonderful, loving parents and I know we will all get through this. Just take it one day at a time. Cayden has her pink tea set waiting

Harlan The Hero’s Facebook Page

Harlan and Cayden

Filed under: Ashley, Kids Tagged: brain tumor, fear, surgery, the unknown, toddler

Cayden is finally starting to talk!

ashley — Wed, 06 Feb 2013 01:43:41 +0000

Now that I’m on my third kid, I’m finally keeping track of milestones that my kids make! This blog makes that so much easier. Cayden just turned two about a week ago and I was wondering when she would finally start talking. Mackenzie was an early talker, around 18 months and Ethan was late, right at 2 1/2 years old. Cayden has been doing a lot of babbling and will say “dada” and “mama” but nothing on command. She knows exactly what you are saying but always answers with an “uh” sound and points. Just this week she started saying words that I could understand. I think the first was “wall” – Mackenzie actually taught her that one. Last night she was eating some cheese and said the word “cheese” (in video below)! Then tonight she pointed to the movie “Elf” and said “elf” like she has known it all along (she likes to watch that movie). She says “on” too if she wants to put a shirt or pants on. It’s so amazing hearing them learn their first words. She has so much personality too, like rolling her eyes at me and crossing her arms in front of her and sighing when she is frustrated (also in video below).

Filed under: Ashley, Cayden, Kids Tagged: first words, kids, learning how to talk

Cayden is 2

ashley — Mon, 28 Jan 2013 01:00:16 +0000

We had Cayden’s 2nd birthday party this weekend. I continued the tradition of making her a birthday dress; this one had the number “2″ on it. I found a great tutorial on it and had it done during Cayden’s naptime.

http://sewlikemymom.com/easiest-pillowcase-dress-ever/#

I followed the pattern, except I added the contrasting color at the bottom and I just free-handed the number 2 and the circle:

Birthday Dress #2

I also made her cake…since she loves Toy Story that’s what her cake and party were themed like:

Toy Story cake

And some more pictures:

Blowing out candles

Cayden trying to hide while eating cake

Cayden

Filed under: Ashley, Cayden, Kids Tagged: 2 year old, birthday, cake, handmade, homemade, kids, pillowcase dress, Toy Story, Toy Story cake