Pennsylvania | Ashley, a work in progress

So, it’s Spring Break this week and the kids are out of school. I had originally planned to go to the beach with them all week but then changed my plans. I’ve always wanted to go back up to Pennsylvania around April 2nd because that’s the anniversary of the day that Jeny died, so I took advantage of the kids being out of school at the beach and Michael and I took a road trip to Pennsylvania on Sunday. I had been looking at the weather forecast for 2 weeks before we left and there was snow almost everyday. I got excited because the forecast for Sunday was looking like it was going to be sunny and clear. But, like most of the time, the forecast was wrong. We left at 6:30am and it was raining. It rained all the way up the east coast and when we got to Pennsylvania around 4:00pm and it was still raining. This is what our whole drive looked like:

We finally get settled in our hotel and then go out to get something to eat. Since we don’t have to worry about any kids, I wanted to go get some beer or something. We go to Wal-Mart and look up and down all the drink and food aisles and don’t see any beer. I look in the coolers for cold beer and don’t see anything. We ask an employee and they said that they don’t sell alcohol…wtf? I Google it and find out that Pennsylvania is an “alcohol beverage control state” and has certain laws regarding the sale of alcohol. Gas stations don’t sell it either and it was also Easter Sunday, so the places that would have sold it were closed. We finally found a bar that was open and was able to buy some there. I’ll know next time to just bring some with me

Today we ate breakfast and then visited the cemetery. The last time I was up here we ate at a restaurant called Luigi’s and it was awesome. I wanted to go there last night but they were closed because of Easter. So, after visiting the cemetery, we went to eat lunch there. As we were sitting in the restaurant waiting on our food, I heard a song playing in the background over the speakers. It wasn’t very loud and it was the instrumental version, but I recognized the notes immediately. My heart dropped and I asked Michael if he could hear the song. He couldn’t even hear the song playing at first but after telling him what song it was (Nothing Else Matters by Metallica), he recognized it. It was the song playing in my car right before I witnessed Jeny’s motorcycle accident. I’ve spent 14 years avoiding and refusing to listen to that song, and here I was sitting in a restaurant in her hometown and I was forced to listen to it. I couldn’t stop the tears because it was just so ironic. Michael said that she was watching out for me and I believe it.

I met with her sisters again tonight and it was just so good to see them again. They told me stories about their family and we all just talked for a few hours. I hated leaving them and I hate leaving here. When I’m up here and with her family it feels like part of me is healed. Now there’s that heavy feeling in my stomach because I know I have to leave again soon. 14 years ago I was changed and a part of me died when Jeny died. Every time I come back up here and talk with her family, it’s like I get a little bit of “me” back. It just sucks that it’s a 10 hour drive. On another note, I am looking forward to seeing 60-70 degree weather again

Earthquake (in more ways than one)…8/23/11

Off to Pennsylvania…(hopefully sometime in the near future)…9/12/11

2 Days Until Pennsylvania…10/13/11

We Made It…10/17/11

Going Home…10/18/11

Photo of the Day: #33 “Nothing Else Matters”…2/2/12

Photo of the Day: #72 “Jeny”…3/12/12

Photo of the Day: #93 “April 2″…4/2/12

Signs…3/11/13

Dear Jeny,

Happy Birthday. It’s been almost 13 years since both of our lives were changed. It seems like so long ago but I still remember it like it was yesterday. I found your family and made a trip up to Pennsylvania in October of last year. I met with two of your sisters while I was up there. It was so healing to be able to talk to them. They talked about you and your whole family and what you were like. You seemed like you would have been a fun person to know – they said you were pretty feisty

When I finally found you in October of last year I was speechless. I didn’t know how I would react when I got up there. I walked through the cemetery for about an hour before I turned to walk back up through the section I was in. My eyes immediately landed right on the back of some tombstones that said “Rowe”. I slowly walked up to them, knowing that I had finally found the one I was looking for. I hesitated for a second but knew I had to walk to the front to see if I was in the right place, even though I instinctively knew. I didn’t know what to say. I had tried to think on the drive up there what I was supposed to say but I just couldn’t think of anything. All I could do was cry and say “I’m sorry”. I know nothing could have been done to save you, but I so desperately wish there could have been. I was sorry that your life was cut so short, that your family lost you, but most of all that your children grew up without their mom. I’m glad to know that you were at least doing what you loved when you passed (riding on a motorcycle), as your sisters said. I haven’t thought of a motorcycle the same way since.

I never knew you but somehow it feels like I did. Even before talking to your family I felt that way. Maybe it’s because what happened has affected me so much. Or that I’ve thought about what happened that day over and over again in my head. I’ve thought about you and your family so much over the past (almost) 13 years. Most of those years I tried not to think about it, but lately I’m just trying to face everything that I never dealt with before. I’m trying to find the positive in things. This has taught me to not take anything for granted and to be thankful for what I have and who I have. Witnessing this at an early age made me grow up pretty quickly.

I am two weeks away from my 31st birthday, the same age you were when you passed away. That is just hard for me to think about. Maybe that’s why I’m terrified of turning 31. Why would someone be terrified of turning 31? It didn’t affect me at all to turn 30. Makes no sense to me.

I firmly believe that you (and a few others up there) have been guardian angels for my kids and I. And I still can’t get over the earthquake that day – I have no doubt that was a sign from you – it was just too odd to be coincidental. It still gives me chills. I just finished reading the book Heaven is for Real and thought of you. While on vacation last week I got up early and went out by myself and watched the sun rise. I don’t know if it was because I had just finished that book or what, but in some way it felt like you were there. It was breathtakingly beautiful.

I don’t know why things happen like they do. I’m realizing that there’s no point in trying to understand why. You just have to accept it and deal with it the best way you know how. Thank you for teaching me that. Thank you for showing me how precious life is and to not take anything for granted. I am a better person because of you.

Ashley

Earthquake (in more ways than one)…8/23/11

Off to Pennsylvania…(hopefully sometime in the near future)…9/12/11

2 Days Until Pennsylvania…10/13/11

We Made It…10/17/11

Going Home…10/18/11

Photo of the Day: #33…2/2/12

Photo of the Day: #93 “April 2″