A year ago today around this time we were sitting in the ER, being told that our 11 day old daughter had bacterial meningitis, among other things. It was a day full of so many different emotions. This doctor is talking to you in all these big words that they expect you to understand and all you hear are little pieces of what they are saying…meningitis, infection of brain/spine, very serious, life-threatening, don’t know how fast she’ll get better…partly because you’re mind is going so fast trying to take everything in and then trying to understand what they’re saying. Then you look down at that precious, perfect little baby who is so peacefully sleeping in your arms and your heart just breaks over and over. To know that your child is so sick and that you can’t do a single thing about it is one of the toughest things about being a parent. I’m glad (well, not really glad…probably more thankful) that we had been through a long hospital stay with our first daughter and knew what to expect having a sick baby in the hospital. It didn’t make it any easier, though.
For a while I was angry (especially with my first daughter) because that experience made me lose that sense of security that everything would be okay. I was young and naive and didn’t even consider anything going wrong. I learned that it could very quickly turn to “not okay” and that’s just how life is. It sucks, but that’s just the way it is. I was angry hearing about women having perfect births and children who were healthy because I didn’t have either one of those. I admit, I was jealous. I just wanted to be able to think like I used to and not worry that something bad might happen. I just wish that little dark rain cloud would quit following us around, waiting to strike. I don’t think I’ll be that lucky – I guess worrying like that just naturally comes with being a parent. 🙂