The night before surgery

Our bags are packed.  I just wish we were going somewhere fun and not to a hospital.  I’ve read so much stuff about what to take for Mackenzie and what she might need, but I still feel so unprepared.  I’ve researched so many blogs, articles, and information on the internet about this surgery and recovery, but I still feel like I’m at a loss as to how things are going to go.  I guess that is just how it is, though…I don’t think I can read anything else about the subject.

The thing that I’m having the hard time with is when I have to leave her in the operating room.  I’m worried about the actual surgery but I fully trust her surgeon and have no concerns with him and what he is going to do.  I truly believe he is the best around.  So, the actual surgery is not my top worry (or at least not at the moment).  It’s having to leave her.

I’ve done this before…maybe that’s why it’s bothering me; it’s because I know what to expect.  When Mackenzie was a baby and they knew something was wrong with her, they woke me up in the middle of the night, told me they had to take her to the NICU and run some tests, and they took her away from me.  After they took her, they came back with bad news.

When she was 18 months old and had to be put into the hospital, they took her away to run tests and came back with bad news.

When Cayden was a baby, they took her away to run tests and came back with really bad news.

All these are the some of the most vivid moments to me from each of these hospital stays.  I can relive those moments as if they just happened.  But the one that bothers me the most was when Cayden was in the hospital and she was going to have to be put to sleep to get her PICC line put in.  That particular day in the hospital it was just me and her; Michael was sick at home.  I walked with the nurse down to one of the lower floors and they took Cayden into this big, cold operating room and I watched as they laid her down on the big, huge table.  I was just standing in the doorway while all these doctors/nurses were crowded around the table, thinking that the table was just too big for that little baby.  Of course she was crying because she hadn’t been able to eat for 4 hours before that (and that just doesn’t work with a newborn’s normal eating schedule)!  They told me that it was time for me to leave and that they would call me when she was in recovery.  That’s when I just lost it.  I had nobody there with me and just went back to the room and cried.  It still makes me tear up just thinking about it.

So, naturally, I’m worried about the moment when I’m going to have to leave Mackenzie on Friday.  I know I’m going to do the ugly cry and I’m not going to be able to control it…and I hate losing it like that in front of people!  I know she’ll be in good hands but it’s just the unknown that scares me.  Or, the fact that every time my babies were taken away from me, I always got bad news when they were brought back.  Hopefully tomorrow, we will be getting good news!



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