Yesterday around lunchtime, I got a text from my sister-in-law with awful news. I was out shopping during my lunch break and checked my phone while walking out of the store. As soon as I started reading, I just lost it. After seeing words like “things aren’t good”…and “growth and spread” my mind just went completely empty. I was devastated. I still am. After I calmed down I drove back to work. What I did for the rest of the day, I have no idea. I’m so angry. It’s just not fair. How can this happen? How does God let things like this happen? The word “cancer” just makes me sick to my stomach. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to explain this to my kids. I tried last night but there’s no good way to do it. Mackenzie was really upset. It hurts so much as a parent to know that you can’t heal their pain. I don’t know what the right thing is to do…for my kids, for Jonathan and Jacki, or for Harlan. I love them all so much. All I know is just to be there. It doesn’t sound like much, though. I only wish I could make everything better but I can’t. I just have to write about it because that’s the only way to get some of this stuff out of my head. Please forgive my random thoughts.
It makes me think of a line from a movie…”God is a mean kid sitting on an anthill with a magnifying glass, and I’m the ant. He could fix my life in five minutes if He wanted to, but he’d rather burn off my feelers and watch me squirm” (Bruce Almighty). Where Jonathan, Jacki, and Harlan are the ants. They’ve been through enough. They’ve suffered enough over the past several years. In under four years, Harlan has suffered more than most adults have in a whole lifetime. It just makes me angry. Angry with God. I’ll admit, I don’t feel like I have very strong faith in certain things. I can’t wrap my head around the fact that there is a bigger plan for Harlan (or anyone else that is suffering) because I don’t see that part of it…I only see the bad parts of stuff happening here on this Earth, where I am. I struggle with just letting things go and letting them happen as they are “supposed to”. I envy those with strong faith but for some reason I just can’t do it. That’s a whole other discussion for a different day that I don’t want to get into right now…but the main point here is just that I’m furious.
So, squeeze your kids’ necks while you can and tell them you love them every chance you get. No one is promised tomorrow. The fortune cookie that I had last night with my dinner was very fitting…”Seize every second of your life and savor it.”